If I smell like maple syrup...

It's the fenugreek! I've begun taking this supplement since milky moms swear that it helps boost milk production. Sleep has been a declining commodity lately in the Hindall-Wright household, so this tends to make my supply dip. According to the angels at La Leche and the moms on the LLL forums, fenugreek is an herb with a proven track record. The best part is, it smells like maple syrup and people who take it also end up smelling like a stack of hotcakes. Yum!

Smell the Fart

Seriously.

This morning as I was nursing Ian and thinking to myself What necklace shall I wear today? (I picked the Scrabble tiles piece), Ian let out a pretty loud toot.

He startled himself, pulled off the breast, looked at me quizzically, then turned his head toward his backside and sniffed. No joke; he smelled his own fart.

And then he looked at me...and smiled.

On the Verge of Collapse

Ian and I woke up at 8am this Sunday morning (that's late these days!) and nursed like nobody's business. After yesterday's Spring Fling art/craft show, I was away from the little guy for over 10 hours and my boobs were sooooo full o' milks. I pumped 3 times at the show right there are my table and even still I was so super engorged and in lots of pain. I used my manual Medela pump and my awesome new nursing cover and yielded 7 ounces.

Here's the cover. I bought it from Lilacs & Lollipops, a crafter in Salt Lake City, and love it so much!

So anyway, after nursing Ian this morning I got up to feed George (who has been diagnosed with pancreatitis so he gets special moist kitty food) and noticed he'd thrown up AGAIN several times. These pukes are different than the others tho b/c they are less and look just like bile, not food. Plus, one had a giant hairball in it, one had plant matter (one of our house plants) and the other two are itty bitty kitty pukes. Still I called the vet and am waiting to hear back.

After feeding George I walked back into the bedroom to find Ian, happy as can be, about 3 feet away from where I left him, his legs dangling off the side of the bed, smiling real big like he knew he had accomplished a couple roll overs. I can't believe it! First off, Imissed his rolling, which is a new development milestone for him. And secondly, HOLY CRAP he almost fell off the bed. Luckily it's a Scandinavian-style bed so it's low to the ground BUT STILL. Man, I got scared and so thankful he didn't fall!

I'm going to spend the entire day today with him since I missed him all week now that I'm back at work and then the Fling yesterday all day in Fort Worth. So I declare today Ian Day. Celebrate!

Heartsick

I can't believe it's almost over. Today is the last Monday of the best period of my life, so far. My maternity leave officially ends this Thursday as I return to work on Friday. I can actually feel my heart breaking.

It's been so wonderful, just a dream. I feel so lucky to have been able to have this time in my son's life. To watch him grow and change before my eyes. To hold him and smell the top of his head at any time of the day because we've been together constantly - inseparable.

Going back to work feels so unnatural. It just doesn't feel right leaving my son with someone else, even if it is my mother, his grandmother - and who better to spend the days with him? I am so lucky to have her to watch him, and to have Jason's family in his life, a family who loves him so, so much. But I can't help but feel that I am the one who should be with him all day, every day. There's this invisible tie, some biological bond, that makes me feel like the only way I can tear myself away from Ian and return to work is to do it kicking and screaming.

I remember the early days when I never thought I could get the hang of all of this. I thought I'd be feeding him formula by week two since I was having so much trouble breastfeeding. I never thought I'd get used to the sleep deprivation, but now I look forward to those 3am feedings. It just means more time with Ian. By the second month I was actually looking forward to returning to work just so I could get a break from him. I could kick myself now for ever feeling that way.

I also never thought Jason and I would get back into a healthy "me & him" relationship, but every day we enjoy each other's company and companionship more and more.

Here're a couple photos I took just now, through a sea of tears. They are of the bedroom where Ian and I spent a lot of the past 3 months together. To the left on the nightstand are the nipple shields I use to allow me to breastfeed him, a jar of peanuts that I snack on constantly during our nursing sessions, my never-empty mug of coffee and the cup of water that Jason is always refilling for me. Then on the bed my laptop, which is almost always on so I can check my email and stay in touch with the world. Or, I watch my Golden Girls episodes on it while Ian nurses on one side, then the other. To the right of that is his changing table, his perch to the outside world as J or I clean his poops and avoid the overspray. Notice his hanging pals on the blinds. They keep him company while we clean and talk and giggle and coo. Either today or tomorrow I'm moving it back into the nursery. I think this will help me accept the separation that he and I are about to experience.



Lots of tears. I don't think I can do this.

One-Sock Ian

Whoa, this blog has gotten stale! Here're a few updates:

He is now on a fairly decent nighttime sleeping schedule. He sleeps around 10pm, and wakes to nurse around 1am, 4am, and 7am. It's gotten so much easier. He feeds for about 15 minutes then falls right back asleep. So efficient!

Also, I've nursed a few times w/o the nipple shields with some success. He still does better with them on - gets more milk in less time, which is good for us both. I have set a goal of exclusively breastfeeding until 3 months at which time I will return to work and my mom will step in as caretaker. I plan tp pump at work but hear that milk supply greatly decreases this way so chances are he will need to be supplemented with formula. If that happens, my next goal is to provide as much breast milk as possible until 6 months. At this time we'll introduce solids so there won't be a big need to milk/formula. I hope to give him my breast milk as a snacky until he's 1 year old. After that, it's whiskey all the way.

He has gotten so big! His hair is coming in reddish-blond, but he still has the dark hair on the top and around the bottom of his head. My mom says he looks like a friar. He smiles a lot, too in reaction to my, Jason's, and my mom's voices. He even laughs a little and talks a ton. Lots of "eh eh eh" and "oooooh." Yesterday, for the first time, he nearly turned himself over in the crib. As I understand it, this is a huge development that happens around this time. And today he's 7 weeks old!

He remains One-Sock Ian - always kicking one off snd leaving the other on. So strange. But, he is wearing some of his 6-month clothing. My! We'll have to start calling him Ian the Gentle Giant. Ho ho ho - gentle giant!

Pump It Up

Tonight I pumped for the first time. I had heard that pumping is difficult in the beginning etc. but I must be blessed. In less than 10 minutes I had an ounce each breast. Incredible! I could have pumped more but I don't want to jack up my supply and end up with engorged breasts. Ouch!

Thanks to Carmen & Betty we were able to purchase a pretty good pump, the Lansinoh Double Electric Pump. Now that I will be buidling up a supply, I'll be able to let J feed Ian now and then so I can get some sleep, and can also take advantage of babysitters so I can go out w/o Ian for longer than 2 hours. Yay!

I also plan to us it at work once I return in April so that my mom can feed Ian my milkies while she watches him during the day. Only the best for my baby!

Sheets of Fury

The other night my mom stayed over to give Jason a good nights' rest and help me out throughout the night with diapers, rocking, etc. It was an incredibly explosive evening.

First, projectile vomiting. I mean, Ian would have made Linda Blair (The Exorcist) proud. It was all over the sheets and my pillow, not to mention my face! Blech. We put a towel over the vomit and I switched pillows. No way were we changing the sheets at 3am!

Then, after all three of us finally drifted off for a couple hours, my arm started feeling reeeeally warm. Yup, the baby had whizzed all over my arm and the vomitty sheets. Cue towel #2 over the peed part of the sheet.

Finally, the sun came up and I was nursing Ian for the 3rd time that night/early morning. He pooped, which is very common during a feeding. It's an input-output gastrointestinal type thing. So I thought nothing of it until I lifted him up to burp him and noticed that his poop had exploded out the top of his diaper, onto my pj pants and....yup, on the same nasty sheet.

My mom and I finally agreed it was time to wash the sheets. They had become quite the bio-hazard!

After the Milk

Mmmm, satisfied!!

Best News Ever

Confused about when to let Ian sleep through the night, I posted this in the La Leche League forum and also emailed Linda Worzer, the woman who taught our Bradley birth class:

"My month-old baby son is gaining weight well and I think our supply-demand relationship is getting very close to established. I no longer get way engorged at night and can go 4 hours at a time at night feeding him.So how do I know when I can go longer? Do I wait for him to wake us up to feed or do I continue to wake him every 3-4 hours?

His pediatrician said he can even go 5 hours w/o feeding at night, but he was thinking solely of his good weight-gain. What about my milk supply? I'm scared it will diminish. But if my lo is sleeping so soundly through what used to be a feeding, my instinct is to leave him alone and let his hunger pangs wake us up.

Help!! I'd love more sleep for all three of us, but I don't want to screw up my milk supply or his weight gain. btw - He feeds a ton during the day, about every 2 hours."

Here is Linda's response:

"He is mature enough to wake and let you know when he needs to eat. You can allow him to sleep as long as you wish at night. Many babies "cluster feed" (as you mentioned) during the day to ensure they receive all the calories and nutrients they need.

At 6 weeks of age, most babies experience a growth spurt during which they return to more frequent requests for feedings. After that, it's not uncommon for a baby to sleep longer at night and possibly to nap longer during the daytime.

Your milk supply is firmly established by three weeks postpartum, so no worries there.
Relax, enjoy, and get more sleep - before you know if, he'll be teething and waking frequently at night again ; )

P.S. My second child (who was exclusivey breastfed) slept consistently 12 hours at night from the age of three months and took one two hour nap in the daytime. She topped the growth charts in height and weight."

Footprints

At his 10-day visit last Tuesday, Ian got his footprints permanently added to the walls of the Birth & Women's Center. All babies born at the Center get their feet stamped along the borders of the doors, windows, and floors. It's so neat to see all the footprints when you walk through the Center.

We chose the upstairs birthing room where it all began. That's where I got my first dose of Cytotec and then Jason and I got a nice 2-hour rest in the bed while the drug did its job. Then our second dose there later that afternoon, and another couple's rest together in the bed. Bada bing bada boom - a handful of hours later and the contractions started!

Life with Ian continues to be a glorious challenge. I can't get enough of him and he can't get enough of me and my attention! I'm getting real used to these 3-hour maximum doses of sleep and have already forgotten what a full night's rest feels like. The human body has an incredible way of adapting to just about anything. I plan to begin pumping soon, so I'll be able to leave Ian with one of his grandmas, aunts, cousins, etc. overnight one day soon and get a full night's rest. Of course, if I go too long without nursing, my breasties get engorged and then I'm miserable. Perhaps I can get a full night's rest once Ian is weaned...in about a year!

These Four Walls

Oh this feeding thing is hard. It's never-ending! I just have to remind myself that it's for the benefit of my new favorite person, and that once he's regained his birth weight and then some, it will get a lot easier and less frequent. But until then, I'm stuck feeding every 3 hours, 24 hours a day. I'm not complaining, really (maybe just a little). This is my job and I'm happy to do it.

My, I've spent a lot of time in this bedroom. Both during my pregnancy and now, this room has become my domain. This bed, the TV, the windows and sunlight pouring in. It's a good thing my personality is that of someone who likes to spend time alone. Whenever I feel stressed, I just pick up my little angel and hold him and smell the top of his head. It's a beautiful reminder that this new job of mine is totally worth it. It just takes some adjusting.

He just did the funniest thing: Sometimes when I put him down he's fine for a few minutes. Then, I'll see a freak-out coming on so I scoop him up and give him hugs and kisses. He tends to wring his hands and punch the air when he's agitated. Just now as I was calming him down, he folded his hands together, fingers locked as if doing the game "Here's the church, here's the steeple..." What coordination!

My Mission: Feed, Feed, Feed

Jason and I took Ian to his 10-day visit at the Center and he weighed in at 8lbs 7oz. The weight loss is normal and Cherie was happy with that but would like to see him get up to his birth weight very soon. That, she said, will keep him from crying all night long.

Apparently the little guy is hungry and I haven't been giving him enough. Well, I thought I had since I let him nurse until he either pulls away for good or falls asleep at the nip. But my mistake was feeding him from one breast per feeding. My new regimen is to nurse him 10 minutes on one boob, then burp him and let him finish up on the other one. He needs milk fat from both breasts in order to gain his weight back, and then some. I didn't know that! So now we have some making up to do. In fact, it's time for Ian to get his nom-noms on pretty soon here...it's neverending!

A Trip Outdoors

On Tuesday morning we went to the Center for a breastfeeding consultation with Beverly. When I called they did not hesitate to tell us to come in anytime for help. There was no appointment, no payment, none of that. Such a wonderful place.

Once there, Beverly got straight to work showing me how to get my nipple back into his mouth so he could suckle. She got me all set up with pillows and water and stayed there for an entire feeding. What a relief to watch him feed for a good half hour! In between the feeding session, Jason changed Ian's diaper and we all got to witness Ian's first "spray." Urine everywhere. It was pretty cute.

After watching Ian feed for awhile, Beverly determined that my nipples were not long enough to reach his soft palate so she suggested a product called a nipple shield. She was so confident it would be the answer to our struggles, and we could not have been more pleased and relieved. We went to Babies R Us straight away and once we got home and opened the packaged we realized we'd gotten a size too big. Crikey! I was devastated.

Enter Grandma Pat (aka Mimi), our savior! She came to our rescue that night and brought over the correct size nipple shield and dinner - delicious roast chicken, fresh bread, and veggies. Sooooo yummy. The nipple shield was an instant hit and Ian's been feeding like a maniac ever since. My nipples are so very ouchie as they acclimate to the reshaping wonder of the shield, but it's a small price to pay to watch my little one get the nourishment he needs. I guess the "Martyr Mom" thing starts early!

Rewind a bit: Jason took Ian for his first Well Baby visit that afternoon while I stayed home and enjoyed a long, quiet nap. Ahhhh. Jason reported that the visit went really well. Dr. Curry was so pleased with Ian's color, reactions, alertness, strength, and um, large thingie-thing. In fact, he was surprised at how endowed our little man is! He did want to see Ian gain more weight and Jason explained how we've been having difficulty feeding him but that we'd gotten some help earlier that day and were hopeful he would begin eating well.

We were right! He began feeding anywhere from 30 minutes to one+ hour at a time with an average of two hours in between feedings. Incredible!

Shame Spiral and Desperation

In the wee hours of Monday night/Tuesday morning Jason and I nearly lost it. Ian had been crying for 3 hours straight and was beginning to go hoarse. We were so worried since he had not eaten in over a day. Sure, he'd gotten a few drops here and there but nothing substantial.

By 3am we were so weary. Sitting together on the bed with a beet-red Ian we looked at each other and I uttered that F word: "Formula?"

Luckily, we were in instant agreement. Until I could get some help with breastfeeding, we were going to do whatever it took to feed our little guy.

(I was also extrememly miserable since my milk had come in several hours earlier and I was so engorged I thought my breasts would explode. Milk was literally leaking out in teaspoonfuls and there was nothing I could do about it since Ian wasn't taking any of it. I even tried to suck up the puddles of milk with a dropper and feeding him that way, but all it did was give him gas!)

So at a desperate 3am Jason headed to 7-11 to get some formula and I head straight to the kitchen to boil bottles and nipples. Once the bottle was prepared, Jason gave it to Ian and instant success! Ian drank and drank and drank, then slipped into a blissful sleep. We were so relieved and all feelings of shame and fear that we did the wrong thing disappeared. Still, we were insistent on getting breastfeeding help, but first: Sleep!

The First Days Home

The first few days back home are a total blur for me. I was on strict bed rest so what I do recall is being pampered like a queen by Jason. He was so attentive and never once hesitated to bring me what I needed or wanted, fixing me food, keeping me hydrated and doing all of the diaper changes.

Breastfeeding was very difficult at first. Ian was so fussy and would not take the nipple. After awhile I became so frustrated and finally broke down crying. Ian wouldn't feed for longer than 5 minutes at a time and we were so worried he wasn't getting what he needed.

Cherie did a home visit on Sunday and showed us some breastfeeding basics that I was doing wrong - mainly the position of the head. That helped a little but still we had trouble. More on this later...

During her visit she was pleased to see that his color was healthy, and that overall he was a perfect little baby! She asked about my recovery, mainly the swelling in my genital and bum-bum area, and determined an examination wasn't necessary. Let me tell you, I never knew I could swell up so much! I won't elaborate too much, but needless to say, I felt a little like the Elephant Man down in my nether region. Luckily I suffered no tears or hemmorhoids, which the Center staff could not believe. I tell you, my body was meant to birth Ian!

Other memories of those early days are visits from family members and lots and lots of food being brought to us. That was SUCH a relief and could not have been a more perfect gift. We have been eating like royalty all week long!

All in all, Ian slept quite a bit those first few days and continues to begin his crying sessions around midnight until about 2am. We're getting used to it!