It's been so wonderful, just a dream. I feel so lucky to have been able to have this time in my son's life. To watch him grow and change before my eyes. To hold him and smell the top of his head at any time of the day because we've been together constantly - inseparable.
Going back to work feels so unnatural. It just doesn't feel right leaving my son with someone else, even if it is my mother, his grandmother - and who better to spend the days with him? I am so lucky to have her to watch him, and to have Jason's family in his life, a family who loves him so, so much. But I can't help but feel that I am the one who should be with him all day, every day. There's this invisible tie, some biological bond, that makes me feel like the only way I can tear myself away from Ian and return to work is to do it kicking and screaming.
I remember the early days when I never thought I could get the hang of all of this. I thought I'd be feeding him formula by week two since I was having so much trouble breastfeeding. I never thought I'd get used to the sleep deprivation, but now I look forward to those 3am feedings. It just means more time with Ian. By the second month I was actually looking forward to returning to work just so I could get a break from him. I could kick myself now for ever feeling that way.
I also never thought Jason and I would get back into a healthy "me & him" relationship, but every day we enjoy each other's company and companionship more and more.
Here're a couple photos I took just now, through a sea of tears. They are of the bedroom where Ian and I spent a lot of the past 3 months together. To the left on the nightstand are the nipple shields I use to allow me to breastfeed him, a jar of peanuts that I snack on constantly during our nursing sessions, my never-empty mug of coffee and the cup of water that Jason is always refilling for me. Then on the bed my laptop, which is almost always on so I can check my email and stay in touch with the world. Or, I watch my Golden Girls episodes on it while Ian nurses on one side, then the other. To the right of that is his changing table, his perch to the outside world as J or I clean his poops and avoid the overspray. Notice his hanging pals on the blinds. They keep him company while we clean and talk and giggle and coo. Either today or tomorrow I'm moving it back into the nursery. I think this will help me accept the separation that he and I are about to experience.
Lots of tears. I don't think I can do this.
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